• When conflicts come your way, do not be surprised, they are imminent! Just be prepared to solve them the coolest way possible using your negotiating abilities as much as you can! Be inspired!
“Wherever you criticize me, your criticism is destructive and whenever I criticize you, the criticism is constructive”
Sooner or later, we all get into situations where we must express our thoughts and disagreements with other people, we need to finally say what we don’t like in a person’s behavior towards us. Even if you don’t mention anything at first, if the behavior you dislike repeats over and over again, it will eventually become a habit. The one who does it will probably not even realize how annoyed you are by his/her actions.
Well, to avoid a sparkling feelings’ explosion, it is safer to express your point of view before it gets to you. So, what to do? You must, you have to say something, but how to do that with a minimum amount of hurt feelings for the man/woman you have to say it to?
Let’s see some steps together:
First of all, make sure you are calm when you decide to speak to the person. Of course it is not easy to be calm in a tensioned situation (especially when you don’t really have time to weight and think the problem).
To calm down, put yourself in the other’s shoes; try to understand the reasons behind his actions and tell yourself:”if I had been raised like that, lived in his/her environment (family, school etc.), I would have acted the same way”. This is true because if you had really been in his shoes, your set of values being the same, you would have acted the very same way.
Secondly, when you decide to go talk to him/her (and of course, you are calm), start by appreciating something about the person, there must be something positive about this individual! If you do that, he will realize the fact that you don’t just criticize him because you have a bad day or feel like arguing, but with an honest heart an impartial attitude; this way, he/she will be more open to understand your point and receive it.
Another essential “detail”: make sure it is only you and that particular person to hear the conversation. Especially if it is one of your employees, remember that one of the golden rules of management says, “Never criticize your employees or superiors in front of others.” So make sure this rule is respected. This rule applies just as well to couples; you should not criticize your partner in front of the children, parents or even closest friends. You will be the one who’ll suffer the consequences of that anyway.
Right, so now you are calm, have a balanced attitude and have something positive to start with, but there is something more, how to actually start? What to say first?
The best way to address your “itchy issue” is to formulate it in phrases that point at your own feelings when he/she acts “that way” and not categorizing his behavior like: “you acted like a stupid…etc.”
Consequently, do your best to reformulate with phrases like:” Maybe you don’t realize and don’t mean it, but this is how I feel when you…so and so; this is how it makes me feel when you do that”.
Moreover, please, please do not generalize it! You only make it worse by saying:”you ALWAYS…bla, bla.” Just try to keep it down to the issue in question even if you might be tempted to generalize things.
Ok, so now you said it! It is off your chest! You have the chance to see how the other feels about it now and the reasons behind his/her actions.Make the effort to truly listen to the other’s answer, it is worth it!
Especially when you are involved in a long term relationships, the way you approach a conflict situation can save you precious time and a great deal of nerves and pain!
After all, conflicts are imminent, they are a part of “normality” and will eventually occur, but the way we respond when they arise is what makes the difference. Why have a bad day or… days, when you can tactfully avoid it in the first place?
You gain a lot by staying calm in a conflict; keep cool and don’t give in allowing the anger impulse to take control, act decently and you have nothing to lose, on the contrary! You gain a lot!